The Forum magazine articles - March 2007


The following articles from the March 2007 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.  
 


I missed my wife even before she went into treatment

Al L., California

     When my wife finally sought help and entered a treatment facility, I was having a hard time with it.

     In our 20-year marriage, we had never really been separated for a long period of time.  So being separated for 28 days was difficult for me.  I was so naïve about recovery that I didn’t even know the rehabilitation facility was co-ed.  When I expressed my concerns to a counselor and told her that I wanted an interview to explain to me what this was all about she invited us into her office.

     The counselor explained the process to me and gave me a piece of paper to read.  It was basically a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” for the clients.  I guess she saw the confused expression on my face and started asking me questions.

One question was, “Do you miss your wife?”

     I just broke down and started to cry right there because I knew exactly what she meant.  My wife thought that the counselor meant “Are you going to miss your wife during this 28-day ordeal?”  But I knew exactly what the counselor meant and answered by saying, “Yes, I do miss my wife because this person sitting next to me is not the same person I fell in love with 20 years ago.”

     The counselor handed me a book and said, “Here, maybe this will help you.”  It was a One Day at a Time in Al-Anon book.  I’m sitting there crying and thinking, “They are taking my wife and all they are giving me is a book?”

     When I got home, I threw the book on the bed and forgot about it.  Later that evening, I attended a family meeting at the rehab center and then went home.  As I was getting ready for bed, there was the book.  So I started to read it.

     I read the whole book that night.

     Page three really caught my attention.  It talks about the “disease of alcoholism” and about having compassion for the alcoholic.  It also suggests that changing my attitude might aid my wife in her sobriety.

     Page 332 also caught my eye.  It talks about a husband who thought he was a failure, but by accepting the Al-Anon idea, he can look inside of himself and find an inner strength to seek a new life for his family.

     Well, it’s been more than eight years since I first read that book.  I still have the original book today.  I’ve since bought another one and donated it to the treatment facility.

     My life today is truly filled with blessings and I owe it all to the professional who handed me that book.

Hope is a great defense

Kelly-Ann, Massachusetts

     Before I came to Al-Anon, my life was a mess.  It was a mockery of the potential I had and an insult to my hopes and dreams.  I had goals I wanted to achieve, but despite encouragement from teachers and friends, I couldn’t seem to overcome the diseased thinking I inherited from being born into the family dynamic of alcoholism.

     The painful insults and verbal abuse I suffered during childhood still echoed the corridors of my self-esteem and impaired my ability to aspire to be all that God had intended.

     Then I entered the humble rooms of Al-Anon.  Through listening to the members’ stories, I learned I wasn’t alone.  Suddenly I was connected to a community of courageous individuals who showed me that my painful childhood wasn’t a result of something I did wrong.

     I also learned that the disease of alcoholism doesn’t discriminate.  Eventually, the shame and guilt that was locked into the deepest fibers of my very essence began to fade.  Shame and guilt could not longer dwell in the darkness of my confusion, because of the tools I learned in the program.  I’m not longer a victim to my painful past.  As a child, I didn’t have many choices, but I do have choices as a woman.

     “One Day at a Time,” I set goals—no matter how small—and move closer to my aspirations of being a successful writer and someday a wife and mother.  I “Keep It Simple” and do the next right thing, careful not to overwhelm myself.  I “Let Go and Let God,” surrendering my need to control.

     I understand that I didn’t cause my mother’s drinking, I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t cure it.  I was a child, powerless over the adults who ruled my world and powerless over a powerful disease.  As an adult, I’m still powerless over alcoholism, but I’m no longer powerless over my decisions.

     The Steps, slogans, and members have empowered me with the greatest defense of all—hope.  Today I’m hopeful that I’ll achieve the life I always believed I deserved.

Young woman contemplates change

Lori E., Kentucky

     When I came to Al-Anon six and a half years ago, my life was very different.  My boyfriend at the time was going to a treatment center and I was planning to make a geographical cure.

     I was lost, confused, and didn’t realize how crazy I had become in the alcoholic relationship.  I had no idea there was a history of alcoholism in my family or in other relationships I’d been in.  Denial is a very powerful thing.

     At first, I was unsure about Al-Anon because I thought the alcoholic was the one who was sick and that I was the sane one.  Not true.  I’d become just as sick by trying to control his drinking.

     It took me a little while to get a Sponsor.  I didn’t want to get that involved in the program.  I thought the people in the meetings were a lot different than me.  I was 25 years old and most of the members in my group were much older than me.

     Then I saw that my boyfriend was getting much better and I was still pretty insane.  Always fearful, I never lived in the present.  I worried constantly about everyone and everything.

     So I went to more meetings, talked to people between meetings, and got involved in service.  I decided I wanted to get better, too.  Everyone was not different than me.

     Now I have close relationships with Al-Anon friends, I have a wonderful Sponsor, I’m married, and I have a nine-month-old baby girl.  My life is good.

     I don’t know where I’d be without this program.  I guess I don’t really care to speculate.  This program helps me every day.  I still get fearful and worry about big and small things in my life, but today I have tools that I can use to help me.

     I use the phone, journal, go to meetings, read Conference Approved Literature, and work the Steps.  Today I try to enjoy each day and focus on the things that are good in my life.

     Sometimes I struggle because my meeting schedule has changed due to having a baby, but his has allowed me to go to meetings that I don’t normally attend and I’m learning to be flexible.  Things will be forever changing.  Whether I look at changes in a positive or negative way is all in my attitude.

     Today I try to ask for what I need.  I may not always get it, but I ask.  I try not to do for others what they can do for themselves or give advice without being asked.  I’m better about gossiping.

     I have healthy relationships with friends and family—I’ve come a long way.  There are always things to work on.  One great thing is that I’ll never graduate from the program.  I used to want to, but Al-Anon is a very important part of my life and I don’t ever want to lose it.  Thank you, Al-Anon, for a happy, healthy life.