The Forum magazine articles - October 2008

The following articles from the October 2008 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

When I came into Al-Anon I had no faith in myself or in a Higher Power. Some people used faith as a way to avoid thinking deeply about circumstances. That made no sense to me. Others saw faith as a kind of acceptance. In a strange way, that made sense. Some referred to faith as a mystical, almost magical experience in which one sees and accepts a greater reality without understanding it. Again, that made some sense to me early in my program. When I truly "got" the program, I began to think deeply about questions of faith; none of the definitions or explanations I had heard seemed complete. When I came into Al-Anon, it seemed to me that if there was a God, then He was an uncaring entity with no connection to life as I knew it. Rather, chaos and chance ruled my world. I felt at the mercy of fate. Since that time, I have learned that I was not abandoned by my Higher Power as I thought. It was the other way around. The Third and Eleventh Steps helped me understand that my own expectations were limiting me and making life seem so chaotic. I was able to look back and see the many ways that my Higher Power has acted on my behalf and guided my life, even when I could not see or understand that guidance. Slowly, I regained my faith in a Power greater than myself. Today I realize it is not about me. My alcoholics' drinking and other problems are theirs. I have learned that my Higher Power can—and will—do for me what I cannot do for myself. I have developed a close personal relationship with my Higher Power. I can now ask for help when I need it and turn things over to my Higher Power without taking them back to work my will. I have learned that I have to be ready to do the leg work my Higher Power has in mind for me to do. I know with certainty that my Higher Power is working in my life. However, my personal relationship with my Higher Power is such that while I can accept things and people as they are, I do not have to stop questioning and trying to understand. Instead, I have come to realize that this is part of my developing faith. I come to know myself better and to understand my Higher Power's plan. In short, it is my ever deepening faith that allows me to be comfortable in my own skin, to show honest compassion, and to be of service. My life in Al-Anon may not be a perfect model, but I keep growing because I have faith in my Higher Power, my program, and the people in the fellowship.

Picture my six-year-old brother's face being pushed by a 47-year-old man into a cream pie at the end of an enjoyable meal. It was not the pie-in-the-face prank with a tin full of whipped cream thrown in good humor but the mean-spirited act of an alcoholic. The only offense committed by this young boy was to lean down to smell the delicious aroma. Little did I know at the time how alcohol abuse would affect my life and feelings. I am a recovering overeater, the adult child of alcoholics, and the mother of an alcoholic. The emotional turmoil in which I grew up affected my peace of mind and created inner tension that lasted most of my adult life until an old friend, who is a recovering alcoholic, sent me a copy of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. First, some background about my childhood experience growing up exposed to alcoholism. My father had lost his life in World War II when I was seven years old. My mother was emotionally unavailable because, I imagine, she had suffered a great loss herself and turned to the bottle for solace. She did not abuse us in a conventional way, but her emotional neglect, lack of support, and the emotional abuse of her lover had a profound and lasting effect on my sister's, my brother's, and my own psychological development. My mother's live-in lover was also an alcoholic. Instead of being a substitute father, this man systematically abused us with his verbal tirades— robbing us of our natural birthrights to feel loved and protected. He belittled us, told us we would never amount to anything, and chastised us for such behaviors as not having impeccable table manners or eating large quantities of the vegetable that grew in his garden. "These kids are no good" was a statement he often made to my mother. Instead of protecting us, which is a father's duty, he made us feel afraid and insecure. I do not recall my mother ever defending us, supporting us when he berated us, or standing up for us in any way. I believed that if I was better or behaved exactly as he wished that I would receive love and warmth from him. I didn't receive love for my attempts at being better. Instead, there were more criticism, put-downs, and insults. No matter what I did to get approval, I could never earn love. I began to believe his criticisms and name-calling. The stress in our house became so great that I dreaded going home after school and being home on weekends; I didn't know what would set him off. I walked on eggshells, always conscious of my actions, aware of every word uttered, so as to keep him from mouthing-off. As the disease of alcohol progressed, his alcohol-induced ranting would start a few hours after work and continue until late evening. The weekends were the worst: the drinking began just after noon and did not end until the early morning hours. My sleep was often interrupted, and I would lie awake waiting for him to go to bed. I used food to comfort myself from the continual abuse. I became overweight by age ten. By high school I was obese. I had become addicted to food to make myself feel better when stressed. The more he ranted, the more I ate to relieve the tension and release the endorphins that made me feel better temporarily. I didn't realize that I was using food as a stress reliever—my means of stuffing down the emotional hurt. Many years later, I reconnected with my former sweetheart. I found his e-mail on the Internet one afternoon when I had some time to waste. I debated whether to write him but decided to send off a rather harmless note wondering how he was doing and hoping he would e-mail me back. Little did I know how that e-mail would dramatically change my life. Within a few days, he returned my e-mail and caught me up on his life. Among other information, he told me that he is a recovering alcoholic and has remained sober for nearly 17 years. Over the following weeks, we wrote about our lives, our children, our marriages, and—of course—our romance. I confided in my friend about my son's alcoholism. He was an invaluable source of strength, advice, and support for me. He sent me some A.A. literature to give to my son. He shared with me the Serenity Prayer and how it had helped him deal with life's problems and conflicts. He suggested that I locate an Al-Anon group. I have been going to meetings now for several months. There, I've found support and caring from people who have gone through similar experiences. The fellowship has helped me with healing and understanding the disease of alcoholism. I scolded, cajoled, and tried everything I could think of to make my son stop the drinking that was ruining his family, career, and health. Of course, nothing worked as he would not admit that he had a serious problem with alcohol. My son's alcoholism taught me that I was powerless over alcohol, or anyone's addiction including my own, until I gave myself up completely to a Higher Power as my source of strength and hope. The Serenity Prayer has helped me accept that I cannot change my son's abuse of alcohol. Only he can come to the realization that he has a progressive disease that could eventually end in his death. I can give him love, understanding, and support, but I can't stop his drinking. I never left anything up to God's will. I thought that I had power over my destiny and tried to control everything since I didn't have control over my life when I was growing up. I thought that I could change situations through sheer willpower, through rationalizing with myself and others, and by forcing others into changing. I am working the Twelve Steps and find that they present a philosophy of life for anyone who would like to improve their quality of life and have meaningful relationships. I only have control over how I react to my feelings, I have to let go and to trust in God.

Tonight I sit at my computer, mascara and tears streaming down my face. My fiance is an active alcoholic. I've known that for almost as long as we've been together. I didn't understand or label it in the first few years. At that time, I became obsessed with my boyfriend's problem. My mission was to get him sober before I married him, and I honestly believed I could do it. This crazy path only created resentments and disconnection between us. It led to my own frustration, despair, loneliness, and deep depression. I came crawling to Al-Anon. I have been in steady recovery for two years now. I am much saner, healthier, and happier than I used to be. The more I focus my energies on taking care of myself, the more my boyfriend does the same for himself, and the more we are able to enjoy and appreciate each other, even though he is still an active "problem drinker." Over the last two years, I consistently questioned whether or not I should remain in the relationship. I even threatened to move out. However, the gut feeling that I always seemed to receive from my Higher Power was to stay. While his drinking and marijuana use has affected our relationship significantly, there is always a part of me that feels we are meant to spend our lives together—that our Higher Power has put us together for a reason. Perhaps the reason was for me to find a path to recovery. After a year of reminding my boyfriend that I was unsure about our relationship, I told him that I was done questioning. I was ready for him to propose. A few short weeks later he did, and I felt confident about our decision. I accepted the engagement with excitement, and have been enjoying the blissful weeks since: the attention and excitement from our close friends and family; the fun of telling everyone at work, the gym, even the grocery store; and experiencing a rejuvenated, young, and giddy love. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted, and I can finally plan for my future. I have a clear path before me that feels good and exciting in so many ways. My heart felt heavy again tonight, and I was drawn to reading my December 2007 issue of The Forum. The first article hit me hard ("Young woman still hopes for love while working on personal growth"). When I read the words, "At some level I continue to grieve that I do not have a partner who can be supportive of me and participate in life the way I would like him to..." I began to sob because this is still so true of my world. Although my alcoholic has "managed" to keep his drinking under some kind of "control," he still does not participate in life the way I would like him to. This is a tremendously hard thing for him to understand, especially when he has made so many changes to provide more care and attention to our relationship and me. However, this is where I fall short in my thinking. Al-Anon teaches me that I cannot work on making him understand. I need to accept that this is something I will never have the power to change. I have chosen to make him my life-long partner, and yet I am still sitting here, wondering whether he will ever be the full-fledged life partner that I have always dreamt about, the partner that I deserve. I began to read the Index of Forum articles in the back, and stopped when I came to "Setting boundaries: Serenity while living with active alcoholism." I know that boundaries are what I need most right now. I went on-line and read the article, and I was moved to tears again. This article is so close to my reality and to how I imagine married life will be. And again, it seems my Higher Power is telling me to hold onto my relationship. I know that I still have the choice to leave, but I feel that there is still more beauty, love, and growth to be gained through our relationship. I have accepted that my fiancé has an illness that I cannot change, and I do not judge him for it. However, there will be many hurdles for us to overcome. I know my Higher Power is taking care of each of us. As I learn to get better at setting boundaries and taking care of myself, the clearer and more tangible my path, plans, and dreams will become. For tonight, I am thankful that I have Al-Anon. For deeper understanding... The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (B-4) addresses the distressing and difficult situations that are part of marriage to an alcoholic. Although it was first published in 1967 and reflects the time in which it was written, the book remains a great resource of pertinent, useful tools for anyone living with an alcoholic partner. To read a sample chapter of Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (B-4), visit the Members' Web site at www.al-anon.org/ members. The sample chapter Web page also includes a selection of meeting topics inspired by the book.