The Forum magazine articles - December 2008

The following articles from the December 2008 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

After many years of alcoholism, my husband entered rehab. Our family life wasn't perfect, but it was wonderful! Then he started drinking again, though nothing comparable to before. He's struggling to hang on to his sobriety. Al-Anon saved my sanity. I've been in the program for three months. I made my first phone calls to Al-Anon friends. The support I received was very powerful. I've decided to get a Sponsor and begin working the Steps. I spent the week praying to my Higher Power, taking things "One Day at a Time," and communicating my feelings with my spouse and three children. I had a long talk with my 14-year-old daughter, who used to get enraged and isolate herself. This time, she actually talked for two hours, saying she understands alcoholism is a disease. My other two daughters also expressed this understanding. I showed my husband my love, concern, and his worthiness as a unique, wonderful person. He responded with dignity. His shame seemed lessened, and I focused on myself. The serenity I felt was indescribable under the circumstances. I felt calm and accepting day by day.

Why do I need Al-Anon? My father is the one with the drinking problem. My father was an alcoholic before he married my mother. He continues to drink to this day. When I was seven, my mother started going to Al-Anon meetings. After a few years, she stopped going. By the time I was 14, my parents divorced. My father's alcoholism was, as always, hidden in plain sight. Like the ever-present hum of a refrigerator, it just faded into the background of my life. To this day, my father rarely drinks large amounts in one sitting. Nevertheless, he almost always has a beer in his hand from the time he wakes up to the time he falls asleep. He's so nonchalant about it; it's just not easy to see that anything is wrong. Like my father's alcoholism, my disease is so elusive and well-camouflaged as to be almost impossible to identify. These are diseases of denial. Living with an alcoholic means being exposed to a great deal of self-pity, self-righteousness, shame, and blame. Although my father was never physically abusive, he would often yell and use guilt to manipulate us. He would drop subtle hints that would explode like time bombs, sometimes weeks later. I developed an underlying paranoia. I continue to struggle with paranoia, never really sure if people are talking about me. I have a lingering fear that the sky could fall at any moment. I had to develop alcoholism and addiction myself, go through three relationships with women who were also addicts and alcoholics, and then find myself in several Twelve Step programs before I realized that part of my problem is rooted in the effect that my father's alcoholism had on me. It is now my conviction that alcoholism is indeed a family disease. One of my worst symptoms is perfectionism. I just can't ever be good enough. Most of the time, my perfectionism is an attempt to compensate. If I put on a good show, no one will ever know that I'm such a wreck. It's like getting a new paint job for a car that has been crushed like an accordion. I have learned to accept myself. There are times when I wouldn't rather be anyone but myself, but I also have moments when my feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming.