The following articles from the May 2009 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum,
Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. For more articles, check The
Forum archive.
In Features (p. 3)
New choices changed my life
By Debbie Z., California
I do not feel helpless and alone anymore, even when I am being treated in a condescending manner. Al-Anon teaches me to keep the focus on myself and not take another person's inventory.
If I can't change the circumstance, I can at least change my response to it. I can honor my value and worth as a person and not engage. I can detach with love. I can walk away.
These are choices I didn't know I had before; they help me maintain my serenity today. Each time I practice my program and take care of my needs, I am drawing on the wisdom of Al-Anon members who have gone before me.
Sometimes, I may have to stand alone in the world and face tough issues, but I am never truly alone. My Al-Anon family is always with me. I gain strength from knowing that I have a safe place in which to explore and grow as I move through this life.
Al-Anon has fortified me with a blueprint for living. Al-Anon teaches me to accept rather than expect, to respond rather than react, and to get my focus off those people over whom I have no power.
I have learned that the core of my success is in turning my will and my life over to the care of God. Al-Anon reminds me that this is not a race. It took many years of living with insanity before it ever occurred to me that / needed to change before anything else could change.
Al-Anon provides me with something crucial for my growth. When I walk through the doors of a meeting, I know that I am safe. I trust that everything I say will be treated as confidential. I can share my deepest, darkest secrets with my group or my Sponsor and feel the weight of those secrets lift, the shame of them disappear. What an extraordinary experience this is. What a peaceful life I have now.
In Features (pp. 16-17)
I was 'crazy' in love--and couldn't blame the drinker
By Pat K., Florida
"I'm addicted to you." I said those words after months of being crazy in love. I was unable to deny them because every cell in my body was tired of the unrest my addiction had caused.
I had met him on-line. When he readily admitted to me that he went to A.A. meetings, I thought I had the "credentials" to love him because my sister and my son had the same disease.
He stared at me with suddenly wary eyes that knew something in our relationship had just shifted. "No, you're not." he replied.
"Yes, I am." The words came out with determination. I felt like I was somewhere in the room watching myself.
It was a spider-and-fly kind of moment. "I love you; I'm sick with loving you. I'm lost in loving you. I'm not thinking clearly when I'm with you. I'm not thinking clearly when I'm not with you. I'm a mess."
"No, you're not addicted. Trust me, I know. You're dependent, maybe, but you're not addicted," he answered. The fullness of my words hit me, and I felt the tears on my face. He was right; I was dependent.
I had started attending Al-Anon a few months earlier and also went to A.A. meetings with him on occasion. He was wrong, though, when he told me I wasn't addicted. I wasn't addicted to drugs, or alcohol. I wasn't a gambler. I was in new territory, and I didn't know its name.
There was no turning back. I knew it, I sensed it, and I was scared. But really, I'd had enough. I'd had enough of my crazy behavior from trying to fit my life around a man who was alternately loving me or disappearing.
With shaking hands and my heart beating, I made the call I desperately needed to make. A behavioral health service found a psychotherapist who could see me the next day.
I found myself in the office of a professional who specialized in addiction and relationships. The hours spent in A.A. and Al-Anon meetings had held me together, though I didn't grasp how critically important they had been.
I didn't blame the man with whom I was in love. I was my problem. I'd lost my best friend—who couldn't stand to watch me change in this way. I'd alienated my family in the process of trying to figure out how to love an alcoholic in recovery. Here I was, a recent widow, thinking I'd made it to the other side of the grieving process and was ready to be in a relationship.
With therapy, I delved more deeply into the Twelve Steps, but now from the perspective of my addiction. I did the painful work. I had to go way back to learn who I am.
The Twelve Steps opened my heart. They led me to take care of me. I learned that realizing and facing what's toxic isn't easy, but it can be done. I learned that I don't do this alone. It's been a few years since that spiritual awakening. I love in healthier ways now. I'm learning.
In Connection People from Around the World (p. 26)
How Al-Anon changed my life in seven weeks
By Margaret S., Scotland
It's been seven weeks since I first walked into an Al-Anon meeting. I had spotted a poster in my doctor's waiting room. After years of mental and verbal abuse from my problem-drinking partner, I'd had enough; the screaming and lashing out made things worse.
The first meeting was terrifying. I felt lost, out of place, and lonely. I sat and listened intently. I was saying to myself, "This is a replica of me." All the hugs were a bit strange, as I wasn't used to being hugged, but it
was so calm and peaceful. The members gave me literature to help me on my way.
In those seven weeks, I've never felt better. I've listened and learned to detach and say "no." I'm more confident and happier than I've ever been. I've also learned to "Live and Let Live" and get on with my own life. I keep reading the literature, which is a great help.
I now look forward to Mondays; it can't come quickly enough. Al-Anon has been my life saver.